some notes Jewish sexual ethics

...that is to say: Doing Unto Others

This is Life as a Sacred Text, an expansive, loving, everybody-celebrating, nobody-diminished, justice-centered voyage into one of the world’s most ancient and holy books. We’re generally working our way through Leviticus these days. More about the project here, and to subscribe, go here.🌱

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For years, I taught classes on Jewish sexual ethics—to teenagers, to college students, to 20somethings, in adult ed contexts, at conferences, etc. It was, uh, some of the more heavily requested stuff from my repertoire. I know you’re shocked.

Often, though not always, I’d start the session (or the first session, if it was a course) by asking participants to tell me about “kosher sex.”

People would immediately come forth with a list of impressions of traditional Judaism, some more accurate than others: “you can’t do it when you have your period,” “you can’t have sex until you’re married,”

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“you have to have sex through a hole in a sheet,”

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“you can’t be gay,”

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and so forth. The growing list would be comprised almost entirely limitations and prohibitions. Certainly, there are important boundaries worth discussing in any conversation about sex, but anyone looking for wisdom into themselves, human relationships, and their sexuality need something more than just a bunch of “don’ts.”

After the first round of brainstorming, I asked my students to define “kosher sex” according to their 21st values and sensibilities. Suddenly, the list would get more interesting: respect and communication were seen as important as safe sex, sober sex, pleasure. They emphasized the importance of consent, caring, and clarity.

Many of the ideas that my students articulated are Jewish values, even if they weren’t labeled by those naming them as such.

Rami ben Hama citing Rav Assi further ruled: A man is forbidden to compel his wife to the mitzvah of [sexual intimacy]. (Talmud Eruvin 100b)

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Of course, Judaism demands consent and teaches respect, teaches us that preserving life and health matters most of all, and perhaps unsurprisingly (for those of you that know Judaism) does not fear all the gorgeous delight our bodies can offer us. And, actually, there’s a lot more to it than that.

As we’ve been discussing for the last few weeks, Leviticus 18-20 are part of the Holiness Code, referring to the refrain that appears again and again throughout these chapters: "You shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy." 

AAANND what's the thing that's going to enable us mere mortals to become sanctified in some sort of way that might come close to behaving—or, more literally, being—in a God-like way? 

One might assume that the commandments that follow this statement are going to be ritually-focused, concerned with something like prayer or the complicated animal sacrifices that were offered at the ancient Temple in Jerusalem. But instead, this chunk of Torah concerns itself almost entirely with interpersonal commandments.

Some of the ways this section of text tells us that we can become holy include honoring our parents, not holding grudges, paying workers on time, caring for the stranger in our midst, and showing deference to the elderly.  These are all crucial mitzvot, worthy of discussion in their own right. It's very Jewish, this ethic that we honor the Divine when we treat our family, peers, and those with whom we work with respect, and when we take steps to care for the most harmed members of our society, whether poor, elderly, or stranger.

 But interestingly, much of this section also deals with sex-related commandments. 

We see, here, prohibitions against adultery, incest, bestiality, and other forms of sexual dominance and exploitation. (And yes, we’ve explained here why the verses presumed to be homophobic are are about similar kinds of harm). Being holy, evidently, is about more than what we do with our money or our time.

Here, the Torah tells us, holiness—living a life in tune with the sacred, with our highest selves, with the great, pulsing stream of existence itself—is very much manifest in the ways in which we comport our most intimate of relationships. 

How we use our body, and to what ends, this chapter tells us, is a matter of ultimate consequence.  What all of the sex-related prohibitions in these chapters have in common is that they describe forms of betrayal, exploitation, objectification, or power imbalance; none of them depict a fully present relationship between loving equals.

Jewish texts don't generally describe sex as something tortuous about which we should be ashamed or embarrassed, or an evil to be endured only for the sake of reproduction, but rather as a wonderful, healthy, exciting part of being human. 

Rav Cahana went to the home of Rav and lay down under his bed.  [Rav Cahana] heard [Rav] talk, laugh, and "do his needs" (engage in sexual intercourse with his wife).  Rav Cahana said to himself, “Is the mouth of my teacher like one who has never before tasted food?!!”  Rav, [suddenly aware of Rav Cahana's presence] said, “Cahana!  Are you here!?  Get out!! This is not proper behavior!!" Rav Cahana replied, “This too is Torah, which I need to learn.”   (Talmud, Berachot 62a)

There are a few things I love to learn out from this particular text:

1. We need real-life mentors in healthy sexuality, as much as in everything else.

2. Rav—who, as the master teacher, has probably been married for a minute in this story—is talking and laughing with his wife while they’re making love. It’s joyful.

3. Ever seen a baby or toddler get their first piece of chocolate or first experience with ice cream? That’s not someone who’s zoning out and shoving food in their mouth while they’re reading on their phone. That’s someone who’s fully present with every bite, every texture, and it’s marvelous as a result. However many years into this marraige, Rav’s bringing Beginner’s Mind, as it’s sometimes called, into the bedroom, presumably each and every time. Nobody’s on autopilot, here.

4. Yes, and Rav has decent boundaries and is not here for that stalker behavior.

And yet

5. The editor of the Talmud makes sure that Cahana gets the last word in, and we understand that sex, too, is sacred instruction. Is holy writ.

That attitude of playfulness doesn’t end with Rav, we can say.

Are there 🍆 jokes in the Talmud?

There are 🍆 jokes in the Talmud.

Rabbi Yochanan said: The member of Rabbi Ishmael son of Rabbi Yosi was like a wineskin (aka a bottle) of nine kavs capacity. [A kav is an ancient unit of measurement]. Rav Papa said: Rabbi Yochanan's member was as a wineskin containing five kavs; others say, three kavs. The member of Rav Papa himself was as [large as] the wicker-work baskets of Harpania!  (Talmud, Baba Metzia  84a)

So yeah, in many ways, the tradition’s approach to carnal matters indeed appears to be steeped in the wisdom of the ages—such as the mandate that a couple set aside time for sex as often as is reasonably possible. 

The definition of “how often,” in ancient sources, depended on the restrictions inherent in the male partner’s livelihood, but attempted to be realistic and fair to both parties. 

Students may leave to study Torah without the permission [of their wives] for thirty days; laborers, for one week. The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah: For those with independent means, every day

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; for laborers, twice a week; for for donkey drivers, once a week; for camel drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months.  These are the rulings of Rabbi Eliezer.  (Mishnah Ketubot 5:6)

The Talmud, for example, tells us that a man who worked as a donkey driver (and was required to come home once a week) could not decide to become a camel driver (who, by the more travel-intensive nature of his work, is required to come home only once a month) without his wife’s consent, because his career change would undoubtedly have implications for her sex life. 

Said Rabbah son of Rabbi Hanan to Abaye: What [is the law in the case of] a donkey driver [who wants to] become a camel driver? — The other replied: A woman prefers one kav [a currency] with frivolity to ten kavs with abstinence. (Talmud Ketubot 62b)

Camels or not, there’s no question that Judaism’s mandate to nurture intimate relationships may certainly resonate for many today. And, needless to say, all of this concern for meeting the women’s sexual needs—for, these laws apply even if the wife in question is pregnant, postmenopausal, whatever—is a wild shift from our contemporary culture, which tries to communicate through a thousand different kinds of media that men want sex and women want emotional connection and snuggling.

Nope, says the Talmud. Some women—a lot of them, really—might prefer less money and more regular sexual satisfaction.

“Honey, There’s a new job opportunity on the table. Great pay raise, but more frequent travel. Can we talk about it?”

The Talmud also teaches that a couple should not have sex when angry or drunk, or when one partner is thinking of someone else or has already mentally “checked out” of the relationship.  Our being fully present with one another is a primary Jewish value—one often missing from the contemporary conversation about sex.

 "Do not follow after your own heart...[in your lustful urge]" (Numbers 15:39).  [Deducing] from this, Rabbi taught: One may not drink out of one goblet and think of another.... "And I will purge out from among you the rebels, and them that transgress against me" (Ezekiel 20:38).  Rabbi Levi said: This refers to children belonging to the following nine categories [aka it is bad to have sex under the following conditions]: children of intimidation, of rape, of hate, of ostracism,

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of a partner mistaken for another, of strife

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, of intoxication

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, of a mentally divorced partner

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, of confusion.... (Talmud Nedarim 20b)

And more than these don’ts, there are other kinds of do’s—and please, read this text remembering that a) The Talmud is men talking to other men and b) we’ve already clarified that consent is a non-negotiable:

Rabbi Yohanan said... our Sages said... a man may do whatever he pleases with his wife [at intercourse]: A parable; Meat which comes from the butcher may be eaten salted, roasted, cooked or seethed; so with fish from the fishmonger.  A woman once came before Rabbi and said, 'Rabbi! I set a table before my husband, but he overturned it.' Rabbi replied: 'My daughter! the Torah has permitted you to him — what then can I do for you?' (Talmud Nedarim 20b)

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You’ll note that he didn’t say: Bacon double cheeseburger. Or pig meat. Rather, there are an expansive range of possibilities within the boundaries of safety and consent and kosher relationships (which I’d define more expansively than Rabbi Yochenan and the Sages would, probably. At least the Sages…)

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Like—do what you want? Have fun, kids? Play safe, sane and consensual.

And turning the tables? When I teach, I love to make participants guess what this refers to. When I teach on campus, there’s always a nice dramatic pause as soon as I—the rabbI—say to them, “Well, Rashi says this refers to anal sex.”

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But the rejoinder here is what matters: The woman comes and says, “Hey, we did something, but I’m not sure it was kosher; did we sin?” and the response is, “Y’all are together. The relationship is kosher. And what you do in bed together is NONE OF MY BEESWAX.”

But of course, despite very real moments of illumination, there are other times that Judaism seems quite out of step with our contemporary ethos.

Some Rabbinic texts, for example, describe the sexual impulse as the provenance of the yetzer hara, the evil inclination, and go to some extremes to discourage sexual thoughts and feelings; pious men are sometimes described as those who never looked at their own wives’ bodies or who never looked—not once—at their own genitals. 

It's forbidden for an unmarried man to put his hand on "embarrassing parts" so that he won't bring himself to sexual thoughts.  And even below his belly button--he shouldn't put his hand, lest he start thinking sexual thoughts.  And if he's urinating, he shouldn't hold his penis while he urinates.  And if he was married, it's permitted.  Whether or not he's married, he shouldn't touch his penis at all, unless he's in the process of beginning intercourse. (Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer 23:4)

Torah is frequently portrayed as “the other woman” competing for passion and attention in heterocentric Rabbinic texts:

It is forbidden for a man intentionally make himself have an erection or to cause himself to think about sex. Rather, if he thinks about sex he should remove himself from vain things and go to the words of Torah which is like a beloved doe and a graceful deer.

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(Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer 23:3)

Whew, guys. And needless to say, traditional Jewish texts have miles to go on gender and queer stuff in many ways. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

And yet, our texts also understand that, despite everything, even the parts of us that we fear are ultimately wholesome and part of the holy.

Rabbi Nahman bar Shmuel bar Nahman said in the name of Rav Shmuel bar Nahman, "behold, it was good." (Genesis 1:4), this is the good inclination, and "behold, it was very good" (Genesis 1:31), this is the evil inclination. Would you say that the evil inclination is very good?  For, without the evil inclination, a person would not build a house, and would not marry, and not procreate, and not engage in business.  Thus King Solomon said, (Ecclesiastes 4:4) "And I saw that all labor, and every skill in work, come from a a person’s envy of their neighbor."  (The verse continues, "This also is vanity and striving after wind.")  (Midrash Genesis Rabba 9:7)

The “evil inclination” is desire, which is, Rav Shmuel bar Nahman teaches, very good indeed.

In fact, the Jerusalem Talmud teaches, at the end of our lives, God’s going to wonder why we didn’t make better (kosher) use of the exquisite pleasures and joys our body is able to offer us:

Rebbi Ḥizqiah, Rebbi Cohen in the name of Rav: Every person will have to justify themselves for everything their eye saw and which they did not eat. (Jerusalem Talmud Kiddushin 4:12)

Oh, come on, who doesn’t love a sexy fruit photo?!?

Not wantonly, not indiscriminately, not without an ethical map.

But everything that their eyes saw that was permitted to them. Everything that was consensual. Sober. That was done without thinking of another. While being fully present—joyful, even. While attending to both partners’ needs, desires. That is expansive in terms of what can happen in that bedroom space—whether tonight is about stewing, roasting, salting, grilling, or some other metaphoric experience to really drag out that food/sex metaphor. Or some combination therein.

Everything that enables us to show up as ourselves, fully, able to connect deeply with another, in all of their extraordinary fullness, enjoying all of the magic that a body can do and all of the ways it can do those things, if we so desire this.

Our actions in every aspect of our lives can bring us closer to, or further from, the Divine, other people, and ourselves. 

If we allow our bodies to be a portal for the now, the good, the sacred, the delicious, the electric, the erotic, the alive, with care and love and respect for those with whom we engage, we may come closer yet still to fulfilling the core mitzvah of Leviticus 18-20:

You shall be holy to Me, for I, God, am holy. (Leviticus 20:26)

When we extend the kindness, caring and respect demanded elsewhere in the Holiness Code into our most intimate relationships, when we understand that sexuality is a serious thing, to be used with exquisite care—then we can, like God, become holy, and sanctify our lives accordingly. 

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Oh, yeah, probably I should mention that I edited a kickass anthology (if I do say so myself) on this subject a while ago, now:

The Passionate Torah was created to offer a playground for scholars, rabbis, and smart thinkers of various backgrounds to weigh in on the ways in which the Jewish tradition addresses human sexuality, using feminist, queer, and other contemporary lenses to both deepen the Jewish conversation about sexuality and, at the same time, push it forward a little. Whether or not I succeeded is not for me to say—maybe you can.

You probably also want to check out Prof. Rebecca Epstein-Levi’s new When We Collide: Sex, Social Risk, and Jewish Ethics, which brings some great feminist and queer theory into Rabbinic texts as well.

I’ll end with a little Song of Songs, because who doesn’t love a little ancient love poem in their day? Sung by Hadar Nehemya.

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1. lolsob this is so not true.

Rabi Elazar said: If a single man comes to a single woman [for sexual relations] without the intention of marriage, he makes her into a zonah [a woman who has had sexual relations forbidden by Torah].  Rav Amram said: The law is *not* according to Rabi Elazar.  (Babylonian Talmud, Yevamot 51b)

Though virginity is a way to ensure paternity so historically a woman who could claim virginity at marraige was able to get a better financial deal in that wedding contract (which was really a prenup: clarifications about not only the groom’s obligations to the bride during marriage, but how much money the bride would be owed in the event of divorce or the groom’s death.) So incentivized? Yes, absolutely, for her. But forbidden? NAH.

2. LOLSOB YOU GUYS NO this is the worst urban myth. Imagine that you’re not Jewish and you see a tallit katan (worn as an undershirt by many religious Jewish men and some religious Jews of other genders) drying on a clothesline. OK?

3. Nope. GOD LOVES EVERYONE’S GAY TUCHUS ALREADY. Now go HERE.

4. Rav Assi lived c. 290 - c.320 CE, in what’s now Iraq. Marital rape wasn’t outlawed in all 50 states—the holdouts were Oklahoma and North Carolina—until 1993.

5. I mean, what else do you have going on? (And yes, the Talmud takes pains to clarify, like, who has that kind of stamina and energy, anyway?!?)

6. When one of the parents has been formally ostracized by the court

7. When you’re still mad at each other! Not makeup sex.

8. NO DRUNK SEX! CONSENT! BE PRESENT! THIS IS IN THE TALMUD, PEOPLE

9. Aka you’ve decided to break up but haven’t told them yet 😬

10. This is a pretty mainstream reading—and yes, it’s also possible to read this text as though she had given grudging consent but didn’t feel totally comfortable, or she consented to sex but not to that—but because of the larger context of this text on the page, and the way the paired story immediately following it calls back to the butcher thing—

Similarly, a certain woman who came before Rav said to him: My teacher, I set a table for him and he turned it over. He said to her: In what way is this case different from a fish [binnita] that one may eat any way he wishes? 

—I’m inclined to assume that we’re talking about this as I read it, and/or that the editor of the Talmud who juxtaposed these two stories is making that assumption. I could be wrong, sure. But every reader reads with choices, and I am making the choice to read optimistically, here.

11. Someday we’ll get to all the very queer stuff around Rabbi Yochenan.

12. Yes of course there are textual justifications for this, even though many mainstream Jewish texts say that male-male anal intercourse is forbidden and there’s a WHOLE THING about “spilling the seed,” aka making sure ejaculate ends up in a vaginal canal. Even though the real sin of Onan was about not following family duty, but whatever, never mind details. Here’s hilarious rationalization for you:

"It is not considered like the act of Er and Onan unless it is his intention to destroy the seed and it is his habit to always do so. However, if it is occasional and the desire of his heart is to come upon his wife in an unnatural way, it is permitted. (Tosefot [Talmudic commentaries] on Talmud Yevamot 34)."

“Eh, as long as it’s only occasionally, I’m sure it’s fine.”

13. UM. I don’t make the news, folks, I just deliver it. 🙃

R. Samuel b. Nahmani said: What is the meaning of the verse "A loving hind, a graceful gazelle. Let her breasts satisfy you at all times (Prov 5:19)?" Why were the words of Torah compared to a hind? To tell you that as the hind has a narrow womb and is loved by its mate at all times as at the first hour of their meeting, so it is with the words of the Torah — They are loved by those who study them at all times as at the hour when they first made their acquaintance.‘And in graceful gazelle’? Because the Torah bestows grace upon those who study it. (Talmud Eruvin 54a)